(Journal)

Off the coast of Catalina
Monday December 17, 2007
10:28 p.m.

1. I miss April. I know that I just saw her yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, but I still miss her. This is the second time that we’ve been too far away from each other to just drive over, but it’s the first time that we’re out of even phone contact (though technically, I think I could still get reception from Catalina). We’re falling in love, and one of us is going to break soon and say it. We’ve even talked about it (just like we’ve talked about everything else that would intimidate the average person). I almost said it Saturday. I want her to say it first because it would mean so much more as she’s not strongly verbal. I’ve been saying it in my head for about a month now, though it’s crossing over into a different kind of love. I can’t get out of my head her presence, her hand reaching for mine, the way she stares into my eyes so unflinchingly. I miss her embrace, I miss her breath, I miss her hair.
I’ve been resistant the last couple of days, because I know that I’m going to break and say it soon. See, even the use of the word ‘break’ implies a negative reaction. Parts of me just feel like it’s too soon, that it hasn’t even been three months yet. It wouldn’t matter how perfect we are for each other, or what she looked like. I think the idea of commitment, in a stereotypically guy fashion, is bugging me out a bit. I’ve found myself this week looking a little more intently at other women/girls, and also thinking about the ways that April is less physically attractive (in my recent way of thinking). I see a nice ass and think, ‘I wish April had an ass like that’ or ‘I wish April’s breasts looked more like that.’ They are ridiculous thoughts, because the physical is not the real issue. Besides, her body is certainly nice enough to keep my attention when she’s around. If it couldn’t, there would be a problem. Rather, there would be a friendship instead of a romantic relationship. (Naturally, there are lots of good looking people on this cruise.)

2. We went down to SBD yesterday to pick up Tina, Katie and Tricia. I got to see their new house, which is much larger than I imagined it. The lot is really meant for two houses, and they’re getting both. Tricia strikes me as somewhere around the age of 20 or so, even though she’s really around 30-31. She has two kids. Tina, though nearly 21, seems closer to 17-18. They both look more like their emotional age rather than physical. Katie is a bit rambunctious and lacks firm boundaries, but is at heart a great kid. We had a lot of fun hanging out in West Hollywood and teaching her French.

3. Finally found a car that I want. I’m going to do all the paperwork on it on my way into work on Friday morning (or maybe in the afternoon, depending on Autoland’s hours). It’s a 2005 Chevy Cobalt, 44k miles; it should get 24/32 mpg. I think that I’ll be happy with it. My credit card will also arrive in the mail this week, so I’ll have it to help with the down payment and also Christmas.