(Journal)

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Saturday November 17, 2007
11:13 p.m.

1. I miss April.
I just saw her last night, and I’ll see her on Tuesday, but I miss her right now because she’s not here, and not in town, and I can’t just reach out and touch her. Her cell phone has died, and other than e-mail I’ve got nothing.
I’ve been thinking about love this last week, the different kinds and what makes up each. Last night, as we’re on her bed, the words ‘I love you’ kept running through my head. But the thing about it was that there wasn’t the love emotion behind them. It was almost as if my mind just wanted to hear what it would sound like articulated, just trying it out. I am definitely starting to care about her as a person, as a lover. I think that we’re starting to forge a very strong connection, laying the foundation for it at least.
I know that I shouldn’t be worried about her involvement with her family (meaning the association with her past), and how she still refers to it as home. She’s been out for over five years and has turned out well. If she was going to go back to it, she would have already. What it comes down to is that I really disdain white trash culture. Maybe it’s simply self-hate, but I really just don’t like where I came from and the people that I grew up around. Even with David I could get frustrated, and he’s also doing well for himself. I feel the desire in me to try to get her out of all that and to never go back; but that would be changing her, or trying to influence her, and I want to stay away from that. I would certainly be more attracted to her if she turned off the lights when she left a room or pulled her pants up (as petty as both of those sound), but I’m already so attracted to her. The positives clearly outweigh the negatives. And if we learn anything in this life, it’s that no one is perfect. We will change over time, and either grow closer or apart.