(Journal)

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Wednesday November 14, 2007
9:29 p.m.

1. Monday, while playing basketball, I told Sean and Chris about April wanting to exercise more, and also the stuff about her eventually moving out and getting a better job. I was excited about it, of course, and I think he misunderstood me talking with her about different jobs she could have with bringing that up on my own, of turning her into a project. He asked, ‘wasn’t that what you were trying to avoid?’ Then some comment about ‘what happens if her life really does take off? You might just be the start-up boyfriend.’ Dude, seriously, never say that to a person starting to fall for their girlfriend. It was so matter of fact, and I couldn’t help but here it as a cynical comment. It really threw me off for the rest of the day (which is probably what made my back as bad as it was).
I realize that I feel insecure. I am not doing everything that I can to be a better person, and I’m aware of it. I feel this pressure to be better so that she doesn’t leave me. The pressure is strong, or at least fairly present on my mind. I’m not incredibly worried about her leaving me, but that is definitely a part of it, what fuels the fire of insecurity.
[...]
I do know that I’m falling for her, beginning to care about her. I want her to be in my life, and I want to be in hers. She has started to open up a bit, be more expressive and slightly more forward. My insecurities fly right out the window when I see her or talk to her. It’s hard not to jump ahead, just because of how my mind works. Everything starts with a simple organization, and each thing added follows the same pattern. It’s very simple, yet very strong; same way diamonds are set up. And so it’s not difficult to see ahead to how things will be, because things build upon and fit into this very ordered structure in my mind. It may sound too logical, but it’s actually a very organic process. I like to think that’s how Nature works in general.