Lifestyle

Here are some things that I want as part of my lifestyle (with goals mixed in):

Physical Health

running three mornings a week/walking three mornings a week

kenpo three nights a week

regularly able to do 25 full pushups

eventually able to do 10 pullups

regularly able to run 5k

hike more – climb more mountains

bike more

drink one to two liters of water a day

drink juice with breakfast

only drink non-natural beverages as deserved treats

cut out sweets, except for rare treats

cut down on meat and carbs, eat more vegetables

continue snacking throughout the day but shrink the main meal portions

Stuff (right now)

make my media collection 100% legitimate (currently about 65%)

fill out my wardrobe a little more

continue to get rid of unnecessary things (though there doesn’t seem to be much left)

Organize content (photos, files, etc.) including a better backup system

entertainment/media/computer system (when i get my own place)

Really Important Stuff

Grad School at Mount St. Mary’s College (MBA in Organizational Leadership)

–finish application

Travel more (get out of LA at least once a month)

Spend time with my Dad at least once a month

Spend time with my Mom at least once a week

Spend time with Leslie

Buy my first house in 2009

Save $500 a month

Meet more people (via Peace Corps stuff? volunteering somewhere?)

Search for answers more often

Write more

Read more

Wake up earlier, do more in the morning

Be more focused at work

Frustrating Things

1. I should actually be ok this month regarding money, but I feel like I shouldn’t have to worry so much. When will I really begin rebuilding my savings? I usually feel like I’ve been and am being way too frivolous with my money, but I don’t really feel like that anymore. It’s just that things come up, like a $200 dentist visit or a $500 trip to New Orleans for my Dad’s birthday or the $150 I (now needlessly) spent on dating websites in January. Argh!

Seriously though, this is all relative. I am so grateful to have steady income and job security, and I get affected listening to the radio go on and on about how awful things are in the world right now.

2. On the drive home tonight I actually started feeling ill thinking about what the elite class has done to our country and our world. They just kept taking and taking with no apparent thought to the future benefit (let alone the current state) of society. They’re bitching about a $500,000/year salary cap? I understand that a 90% pay cut is enough to make anyone feel shock, but how inconsiderate does one have to be to say in public that they’re shocked? Have they no concern whatsoever for their (former) employees, for the families and lives that they’ve destroyed?

And then there’s the national stimulus package barely making it through the Senate and the fact that we still don’t have a state budget. How obstinate, narrow minded and/or selfish/self-centered must these politicians be? Why must they persist when it is so obviously directly damaging our society?

Purpose

1. So I’ve been thinking lately, again, about purpose; about having direction, motivation, about wanting to make a difference in the world. The thought came to me just a moment ago that it was easier to believe that I was making a difference when my world was smaller. Or when I thought I was bigger, when I thought some destiny might take me to a level of world-influence. But now I’m ten years older and the world is so much larger. It’s not that I couldn’t still have some effect on the world or make my mark somehow, particularly in this era of the instant celebrity, but I’m not sure that I want to anymore.

I was asked a question the other day:

If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?

If I could accomplish only one thing throughout the remainder of my life, I would hope to be a good person. Now this isn’t some wishy-washy vague answer for me; I’ve got some definite ideas about what it means to be a good person. I would hope to embody those ideas. If I could accomplish only one more thing before my life is done, I would hope to get these ideas down on paper, expressed in some concrete way. I’m not even sure that I would want to publish it. It’s more about the process of understanding something well enough that I could explain it to other people effectively.

I hadn’t really thought about it in a while and I felt that I rushed my answer a bit. But still, it made me think about it again. I used to have all these images of myself working out all these system ideas and packaging them in accessible ways, spreading the word around the world. I really did want to be Paul, to have that kind of purpose and destiny. And there are times when I think that the world is still primed for the next big idea, but I don’t have the ego anymore for it. Even if I truly thought my way was better, I still can’t imagine trying to force it on to someone else or let anyone else do the same.

So I semi-resign myself to being just an individual with no world-influence aspirations. I do still hope to better understand the world and how it works, and I do still hope to help others understand it too. But I’m far less convinced that it will fall to me to make it a religion.

2. Since last October I feel like I’ve been growing up a lot, that I’ve really entered the transition into full adulthood. There was the new job, the high school reunion, things ending with April, the growing friendship with my parents, starting to seriously think about buying a house. Now I’m starting to look at my relationships and the kind of person I am and want to be, the kind of person that I want to be with. I’ve become much more focused on these things than the first part of this post.

It’s Cold, and My Cat is Obnoxious

She gets into these moods where seems to be intentionally looking for ways to piss us off. It seems like an attention thing, but I’m starting to think that it’s just her personality. She can be a real bitch sometimes. And then there are times that she can be so adorable (like right now, sitting on my lap and purring) and these so far have made up for it.
Ok, but this attention thing is starting to rob me of sleep. I just put up a surround-sound system, which involves two speakers above my bed (meaning wires that hang down). She didn’t touch them for the first couple of days, and then she started the other night… around 3 am. She somehow has ended up nocturnal and does things all through the night that wake me up. She scratches my couch, she knocks the wires against the wall, she attacks the cord for the window blinds, she plays with anything that will make noise that I haven’t thrown away yet and she turns my light on and off. That’s right, my cat knows how to jump up the wall and flip the light switch; and not just off as one might expect, but also on. I have no idea how she figured this out, or what kind of angle she has to hit that thing to knock it up, but she does it.

It’s supposed to get down into the 30’s tonight. That’s really cold for this part of Los Angeles. It’s really cold for me. I grew up in Missouri with actual winters, and I walked to school in shorts; but now I’m a little bitch any time it drops below 60. I have poor circulation and have to wear gloves when I drive to work in the morning. I’ll probably be wearing two pairs of socks tomorrow.

There’s quite a bit that’s been going on in my head, but I don’t think I’m ready to really get into it and process it via words yet. Soon, I hope.

Almost…

So I had a fantastic weekend (went out, TWICE; met some people; bought some clothes; bought a watch) and have been having some bigger thoughts over the last few weeks. I’ve also been working 60 hour weeks since Labor Day and am in the final crunch this week. I’ve got a lot of stuff that I’d like to write about, and since I had today off of work (except for the four hours that I went in), I figured I’d get to it.

And just before hopping in the shower, I was reading a bit of Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. I’m about 3/4 through. Joelle is talking about how she likes to clean, how addictive it can get, as I well know. But because of the extra time at the office, I’ve really slacked off on a lot of regular maintenance stuff. So when I read that little section, I thought to myself, ‘I’m going to take a shower, take the trash out, finish cleaning the kitchen, then settle into some nice journaling.’ But after the shower I got into comfy clothes, sat down at the computer, and read through my Google Reader. Then started looking at this and that, and now it’s an hour later and there’s no way I’m going to start cleaning now. Not when I’m already comfy! Ha.

Socializing = Never As Bad As I Think It Will Be

Sean asked me yesterday if I wanted to go out tonight. It’s generally not my thing, but hey: look where my thing has gotten me, right? So I said yes, even though I had my reservations. And it turned out pretty well. I mean, there was the usual standing around and not saying anything or really interacting with anyone, but eventually that changed. I started talking to J. about a few things, had some really decent discussion about music, both our mom’s battling cancer, SoCal v. NoCal, grad school. We all left pretty much right after that. And then in the parking lot finally got to talk to B., who’s working on applying to the Peace Corps. So of course there’s a connection there. Hopefully I’ll have the chance to talk to both of these girls again, because there are some good conversations to have, some good socializing to do.

I must say, though, that the most refreshing thing was that I wasn’t worried about anything. I wasn’t trying to get or give a number, wasn’t trying to impress or feel impressive. I feel like I’m finally starting to loosen up and not be so concerned about everything (and how it relates to everything else, and what all the possible implications are and every iteration of every possible future – it’s been exhausting being me). It this what normal people feel like? Whatever it is, I think I like it.

Things to Write About

In no particular order:

MBA at Mount St. Mary’s

Databases

Work in general, and how much there is of it

Parents and our family’s story

High School Reunion

Abstract/deep thoughts of late

Wu Wei and it’s importance/value in my life

Friends

The Return to Happiness

I started my new job this week! I know that it will have it’s unpleasant aspects and things that I generally don’t like, but I’m so much happier in this position than in my last. This is largely due to two reasons: my entire job is about managing systems (with emphasis on development and maintenance) and I’ve got a better boss.

I’ve always been the first to defend my old boss when it came to things like her workload, but the woman showed me absolutely no respect or regard either as a person or a professional. And there is no way to overestimate how that can affect the work environment. My new boss (at least so far and from what people say about her) is cooperative, collaborative, communicative and trusts my opinion about my job and my abilities.

I created a list of things to keep on my mind the afternoon of my second day and came up with 33 distinct things.  I have a tremendous amount of work and will stay incredibly busy. It will easily take me two years to get that position and department back where it needs to be. The position has effectively been open for three years, so the systems are understandably frayed around the edges.

I can’t wait to start getting into things on that list and working through them!

The Countdown Is On

Home
Saturday September 27, 2008
10:06 p.m.

1. I’ve got just two workdays left in my current position (not including the full day that I’ll put in tomorrow), and I don’t think I’m going to finish everything. I’ve basically rebuilt the entire database this month, and I’m just now getting to things that I always felt should be built in like the surveys. There are lots of other things that the database would be perfect for, but there’s no way to get that stuff in there. Even if I had a few more weeks, it’s a matter of one of the employees letting go of tasks that he’s been doing a certain way for the last decade. If this database was the only thing that I was supposed to be working on then I could get everything in that I would like by the end of the year. Obviously, that’s not going to happen. I think in the end I’ll be satisfied with it. The analyst has been really impressed with it and wants to keep me involved to help with other projects. I know how simple it would be to extend the db to manage the whole department (hell, the whole org, practically), but that’s not my job. And because each thing is so linked in to everything else, it’s hard for me to build a simple stand-alone db. If we want to keep track of the instructors, I figure we should keep track of the courses. If we want to keep track of marketing, we should keep track of budgets. So why not just use the db for course planning and just keep adding to it from there? Because we’ve already got systems that keep track of most of this, and there would be an inevitable doubling of the data entry and a monstrous shadow system that our tech department has no investment in. Argh. It’s tough being able to do something and knowing that it would be a good thing, but knowing that the system doesn’t allow for it to happen.

We finally cleaned out all the filing cabinets. We started out with six and are down to two, and one of those will be gone through and cleaned out over the next six months. It was one of the other really big things that I wanted to get done before I left, and after tomorrow it will be as finished as is possible in the near future. I’ve already sent eight garbage bags of paper to recylcling, and I’ll bag up another eight tomorrow probably. It’s scary to think of the money that has gone into buying all of those manilla folders, the hanging folders, the labels, staples, paper clips, binder clips, cabinets and paper, not to mention the work hours that went in to producing and maintaining all of it. The environmental impact boggles the mind. I really hope that I’m able to take the paperless office mentality to the new department, as well as spread it through the organization. I know that it will be a long time in coming. The front line employees didn’t even get computers until the mid-1990’s!

The last distinct project that I want to finish for the PTP is standardizing the library computers. I should be abe to do that tomorrow as well.

I wish that I had been able to fold conferences management into the database. Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to; I’d certainly be willing to do it, even on my own time. I don’t think it would take too much actually. The only difficulty would be in finding the time to meet with the conferences people. I’m not sure how much the director will let me keep coming around; I get the feeling that she’s going to want me gone, that she’s going to downplay the contribution that I’ve made. When the PA II left, she would say things like, “She’s still around; call her if you need to!” But I don’t think that will be her attitude with me. I might extend the db anyway, with spiting her getting thrown in as a bonus. Same with extending it to service the whole department.

2. I got to see my new office for the first time a few mornings ago. I’m trading the 5th floor view of the Westwood village (rather distracting) to a 3rd floor view of trees. I believe I’ll be insulated from most of the sirens that tear through area all day. And I’ve got very nice furniture. I’ve got way too much of it, but who knows: maybe I actually need all of it. I’ll know soon enough!

I’ve got the first meeting with the new boss on Tuesday. She and my predecessor used to meet each Tuesday for lunch; that tells me that they used to communicate. I’m looking forward to working for and with someone who respects me and wants my input. It will be a refreshing change.

(Journal)

Home
Sunday December 30, 2007
2:03 a.m.

1. We went shopping today, spent the whole afternoon and evening in stores (dinner at Panera). Hours in Target, where she patiently listened while I worked out how much money I should spend; a walk around Cost Plus, where we started to plan out our dream house; a couple of more hours in Mervyn’s, where I had some great lessons on women’s fashion and the sexism inherent in the system. We ended the night at her place, sketching out the floor plans to the dream house; it’s pretty amazing. The only thing that was scratched was the indoor pool. I just don’t think I could handle using that much water for personal enjoyment. The house itself is pretty well laid out and completely feasible to build. Houses like it are probably already out there. This has been a great day.

2. [...]

3. Christmas was pretty lame. I know that they spent a lot on the cruise, but the gifts on Christmas day were barely even token gifts; pretty lame. I don’t know if it’s just because Mom has reverted to her old way of acting toward people, but I just haven’t enjoyed my time with them for the last few months. Last night we all went to the Dali exhibit and then to Ngoma for dinner. We actually had a decent time, and everyone loved the place. Conversation was normal, which is to say somewhat strained but covered over with humor (however biting from some and self-deprecating from others).

4. We’re to the point now that we’re looking to have more ordinary moments with each other, more intimacy in casual moments or situations. It began with me wanting to bring the love seat upstairs, which included dismantling the big desk and replacing it with Chris’ black desk.

5. We talked very briefly about me going to Hannah’s wedding with her.

(Journal)

Off the coast of Catalina
Monday December 17, 2007
10:28 p.m.

1. I miss April. I know that I just saw her yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, but I still miss her. This is the second time that we’ve been too far away from each other to just drive over, but it’s the first time that we’re out of even phone contact (though technically, I think I could still get reception from Catalina). We’re falling in love, and one of us is going to break soon and say it. We’ve even talked about it (just like we’ve talked about everything else that would intimidate the average person). I almost said it Saturday. I want her to say it first because it would mean so much more as she’s not strongly verbal. I’ve been saying it in my head for about a month now, though it’s crossing over into a different kind of love. I can’t get out of my head her presence, her hand reaching for mine, the way she stares into my eyes so unflinchingly. I miss her embrace, I miss her breath, I miss her hair.
I’ve been resistant the last couple of days, because I know that I’m going to break and say it soon. See, even the use of the word ‘break’ implies a negative reaction. Parts of me just feel like it’s too soon, that it hasn’t even been three months yet. It wouldn’t matter how perfect we are for each other, or what she looked like. I think the idea of commitment, in a stereotypically guy fashion, is bugging me out a bit. I’ve found myself this week looking a little more intently at other women/girls, and also thinking about the ways that April is less physically attractive (in my recent way of thinking). I see a nice ass and think, ‘I wish April had an ass like that’ or ‘I wish April’s breasts looked more like that.’ They are ridiculous thoughts, because the physical is not the real issue. Besides, her body is certainly nice enough to keep my attention when she’s around. If it couldn’t, there would be a problem. Rather, there would be a friendship instead of a romantic relationship. (Naturally, there are lots of good looking people on this cruise.)

2. We went down to SBD yesterday to pick up Tina, Katie and Tricia. I got to see their new house, which is much larger than I imagined it. The lot is really meant for two houses, and they’re getting both. Tricia strikes me as somewhere around the age of 20 or so, even though she’s really around 30-31. She has two kids. Tina, though nearly 21, seems closer to 17-18. They both look more like their emotional age rather than physical. Katie is a bit rambunctious and lacks firm boundaries, but is at heart a great kid. We had a lot of fun hanging out in West Hollywood and teaching her French.

3. Finally found a car that I want. I’m going to do all the paperwork on it on my way into work on Friday morning (or maybe in the afternoon, depending on Autoland’s hours). It’s a 2005 Chevy Cobalt, 44k miles; it should get 24/32 mpg. I think that I’ll be happy with it. My credit card will also arrive in the mail this week, so I’ll have it to help with the down payment and also Christmas.

(Journal)

Work
Tuesday December 11, 2007
8:40 a.m.

1. So this Matt thing has got me pretty twisted.

On Friday afternoon, I messaged April asking what her plans were that night. She said that Matt was coming over to return some books, pick up some cd’s, and to give her a birthday present. She didn’t really want to see him, but did want her books back. I called her as soon as I left the dojo to let her know that I was on my way. She sounded off from the very beginning, sounded uncomfortable.
“Hey, just wanted to let you know that I’m on my way. [...] How’d things go with Matt?”
“Um, ok.”
“Is he still there?”
“No, he actually didn’t stay for very long.”
“Oh, ok. Because I wouldn’t have tried to talk to you about him if he was standing right there.”
“Yeah, no he’s gone. He gave me Tori Amos tickets.” Stomach drops a little, heart starts to flutter.
“Uh, ok… Uh, would you like to talk about it? Do you want to wait until I’m there?”
“Yeah, that’d be good.”

It was the longest yet quickest ride there. I only stopped three times they entire way and got there in 45 minutes from Venice. Here’s the general order of my thoughts:
That bastard. Jealousy.
She felt close enough to me to start talking about it over the phone. She was so uncomfortable that she needed to share it with me right away. This is a good indication of our closeness.
That bastard.
She’s had every opportunity to do whatever she wants and chose to remain alone. Every time she’s mentioned him, she expressed her complete lack of attraction. I really have nothing to worry about.
But it’s impossible to know exactly what’s gone on before, not only between them but at other times in her life. All I’ve got is the trust that she’s built up. It’s not inconsiderable, but it’s still young.
She herself has been cheated on. She would never do that.
That bastard. I can’t believe the position he’s put her in.

I picked her up from her place, and we went to Applebee’s. This wasn’t exactly the second lunarversary dinner conversation that I was thinking of. She brought it up fairly early in the evening after we got there.
‘Take whoever you want’ was written on the envelop, but he complicated matters by offering that he was free. He bumbled a bit, and repeated this several times. His brother was standing right there. They’d had a conversation back in September in which Tori Amos was mentioned, and he asked her to keep December 16th open. She always knew that he had gotten these tickets, but thought that she had kept her boundaries firm and well-communicated. Regardless, he had still come over to her place last month saying that he was changing his life around, making improvements, and obviously making yet another bid for her affection. She told him then that she had a boyfriend and that it would never be between them. He seemed to take it well, and she thought that that was that. But clearly not, because he still offered himself as her date to this concert.
April and I talked it through from numerous angles. Seems to me that he’s a passive co-dependent trying to not be so passive. She’s an amazing person that he wants in his life. It reminded me strongly of me and Vanessa, except that the feeling is not mutual. But despite the fact that she really doesn’t want anything to do with him, she doesn’t want to hurt him. And this is commendable, and one of the great things about her; her compassion. I maintained that she needed to break it off completely with him, preferably the next day. She needed to exchange the stuff, and give back the gifts, and then completely break it off. By the end of the conversation, I felt that we had really talked it through; I was fine with it because I thought that I knew what her true feelings were about this. I stayed out there until 2:30, which was really dangerous. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel multiple times.
Saturday, my call woke her up. She came right out to my place, we talked, we fooled around, we got a call from Mom at 5:05 asking if we could come right over to make it to an early dinner reservation. The dinner itself wasn’t that bad, though I thought that some of their behavior was a bit insulting. I made a blunder by not dressing well enough and not introducing my mom as Mrs. Hicks. She was really miffed by that, even left me a voice mail Sunday morning about it. My dad used his kind voice when talking to her, and Bri even did the ‘pinch the cheeks’ gesture when talking about how cute April was.
Right as we got back to my place, I brought Matt back up, figuring that she had called him that morning. She hadn’t, and we had another very long conversation about the situation. I maintain my stances and opinions, though did give in on the idea of keeping the gifts if he absolutely refused to accept them back. It seemed like a needless, mean thing to refuse them entirely. If she keeps it, then she’ll take Tina. She said it would be complicated for her if she took me, and I get that.
We worked out the process for all possibilities of him refusing to talk to her, refusing to take back the gifts, all of it. She said that she would e-mail him on Sunday to meet Monday. If he wouldn’t/couldn’t meet her on Monday then she’d try Wednesday, and if not then that she (or even I, maybe) would take the gifts to his work on Thursday. I haven’t talked to her since Sunday night. Even though I left before midnight, I really doubt that she e-mailed him that night. And I intentionally did not call her last night to find out if she saw him. I don’t want to be any more overbearing about this than I already have been.
But I thought about it all yesterday afternoon, evening and night. It put me in a rather sour mood, and I’m still there. The processing I’m doing right now is helping, but it doesn’t remove the root of the discomfort. She was uneasy about breaking it off with him. I trust that it was entirely and completely a desire to not cause pain in another person, but it’s too much like breaking up with a boyfriend for my comfort, especially as we’ve been together for two months now.
From what I know of Matt, he seems to be a genuinely nice guy. So was I. But that didn’t stop me from being manipulative. I am not at all comfortable with him being in April’s life in any way. This is a matter of her well-being as well as jealousy.

Toward the end of the conversation on Saturday night, she mentioned something about being used to tainted gifts, which brought up the strongest reactions in me that I’ve had in a good long while. It took me a couple of minutes, literally, to compose myself well enough to tell her that she doesn’t deserve to be hurt anymore, doesn’t deserve tainted gifts. I haven’t felt that vehement about something in a long time, and I felt that way because it’s so close to my own pain.

She’s coming over tonight. I am going to try to refrain from bringing it up. I do want to talk to her about it, but not until after it’s all done. I really hope that he accepts the gifts back, but expect that he won’t.

(Journal)

Home
Thursday December 06, 2007
10:56 p.m.

1. We buried Grandma today. She went into the hospital last week and finally passed Monday morning. There was a mass and a grave-side service; they were both very nice. I did not strongly react to her imminent death; it’s been so long since we communicated at all with each other, and she and Mom were so estranged. So I didn’t really talk about it with anyone, didn’t tell anyone right away. Didn’t even think to call Bre, though I knew that the two of them were still close. It finally hit me when the priest mentioned that there would be no more hello’s. We all went to Phillipe’s afterward. I just came back here around 4:00, didn’t bother going into work. Chris and I got into a good conversation, and I ended up at my art class.

2. There is a serious amount of hot ass around Westwood. It is ridiculous, distracting, and frustrating that I keep looking. I always feel so lecherous. Especially Vanessa in my art class, with the perfect body.

3. I know that was a fast transition from funeral to hot ass, but the second is more recent in time. And I feel like unless I sit down and right it all out like a story that I wouldn’t do it justice. So I hit these main things, things that would trigger the actual memories later. But so much gets left out, like holding Bre through the Mass, and being a pall bearer, and Charles the driver, and sort of reconnecting with Aunt Jannette.

4. April and I had another great conversation last night. Talked about my classism, presumptive guilt, relationships and their analysis.

5. Sean spearheaded an effort to take me out to dinner on Tuesday night, which was nice. He also got me a gift (that Chris chipped in half on): an iHome! We tried going to Eddie’s Diner in the marina, but it’s been closed down. So we ended up at Tony Roma’s; they picked up dinner for April and myself. It was a great birthday all around; lots of birthday wishes.

6. On Tuesday, Eddie and I met with most of the reps to discuss the phone systems. There’s a lot of frustration there amongst the staff about how much work they have to do and how much they are (not) listened to. Thankfully, they were good with all of my recommendations to senior staff. I knew then that it would be an easy victory. And then yesterday at the senior staff meeting they were all approved. Changes will be made very soon, and my credibility is set. Work-wise, those two days were fantastic and extremely productive.

(Journal)

Home
Wednesday November 28, 2007
12:32 a.m.

1. Traffic was awful tonight. It took me two and a half hours to get to April’s tonight, and I got photographed running a red light. I don’t know how much those tickets are or if I’ll have to go to traffic school, but either way it sucks. She’s going to drive here on weeknights from now on.

2. Started talking about grad schools tonight, trying to work out a plan. Then we got to talking about my big ideas, and I went over the business stuff and the fall of the American Empire stuff, but not the definition of God. I realize that I really do need to get into an academic, intellectual environment that will foster and encourage these ideas, that will push my development further. I really would prefer a physical classroom setting rather than online, but at this point I’ll take what I can get. As for particular schools, Stanford is really the only one that stands out; but of course it’s a ways away and would be a tough choice. I think I need to focus on deciding which degree to get, whether a regular/traditional MBA or a MOL. The Org Leadership could possibly prepare me well enough for a beginning career in consultancy. The MBA would be more for financial analyst jobs, etc. I would rather be a consultant focused on org dev than another number pusher again. I will start studying this week for the GRE and the GMAT. April also wants to study for the GRE.

Hopefully I’ll start my Masters degree by the Fall of 2008. I could conceivably finish a Doctorate in the Spring of 2012; I would be 32. That itself isn’t bad.
April says that she has probably already missed the deadlines for the Fall of 2008, so she’d be looking at Fall 2009. That means that our time in grad school would overlap between one year and three. If we both started in the Fall, it would overlap for four years (unless I paused at Masters, which would mean a one or two year overlap). Full-time Graduate School, at least part time work, along with whatever else is happening in life is a lot to juggle alone; with a partner, it’s a lot harder. We would not get as much time together. Unless we lived together, and either way the support is there. There are two main questions: 1) what if one (or, god forbid, both) go into programs that are not in SoCal? and 2) how could we afford both of us going to school full-time but only working part-time? No real answers, other than that there would be some difficult choices made. I think she’d be amenable to moving away, either to Stanford with me or somewhere else for her (though to be honest, I’m not sure that I’d follow; it would seriously depend on how we were doing, and how good an opportunity it was). We also threw in family planning into the mix, as if it wasn’t intimidating enough. She’d like to start a family around 30 or early 30’s, which wouldn’t be bad timing necessarily. It would give us both time to get our Doctorate’s. But we would be saddled with School Loan Debt and would not be able to buy a house/condo/anything. I just don’t understand how people do it. All in all, it was a very good conversation. As intimidated as I am by it all, I feel good about exploring it all with her.

(Journal)

Work
Monday November 26, 2007
11:39 a.m.

1. Just got a call from Mom. Grandma Lilly is in the hospital and is not expected to last the day. I’m glad that she will finally be at peace; she’s lived a miserable existence for the last ten years or so, at least. No word yet on services.
Just another reminder of death, another reminder that my own mother will pass, and probably soon.

2. Saw April four days in a row; unprecedented. Thursday for Thanksgiving we were at her place with her roommates and their friends or family. Lots of good conversation, but she was quiet, observing, the whole time.
Friday we ended up at my place after seeing Beowulf at the Howard Hughes Promenade. While walking there we started talking about relationship benchmarks, and the conversation continued afterward. We talked about relationships and history and sex for the rest of the night. She left a little after midnight.
Yesterday I went out to her. We hung in her room for most of the time, other than a food run. When I first got out there, I found myself wanting to talk about something academic or not-personal; as if we had already shared so much. I didn’t really want to actively share anything more with her, just passively be there with her, touching and holding. After dinner my digestion was going off, and we debated but decided against making out in the car. We just laid there mostly, which was perfect.

3. Really feeling the need to make a decision/plot a course for my next step.

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Saturday November 17, 2007
11:13 p.m.

1. I miss April.
I just saw her last night, and I’ll see her on Tuesday, but I miss her right now because she’s not here, and not in town, and I can’t just reach out and touch her. Her cell phone has died, and other than e-mail I’ve got nothing.
I’ve been thinking about love this last week, the different kinds and what makes up each. Last night, as we’re on her bed, the words ‘I love you’ kept running through my head. But the thing about it was that there wasn’t the love emotion behind them. It was almost as if my mind just wanted to hear what it would sound like articulated, just trying it out. I am definitely starting to care about her as a person, as a lover. I think that we’re starting to forge a very strong connection, laying the foundation for it at least.
I know that I shouldn’t be worried about her involvement with her family (meaning the association with her past), and how she still refers to it as home. She’s been out for over five years and has turned out well. If she was going to go back to it, she would have already. What it comes down to is that I really disdain white trash culture. Maybe it’s simply self-hate, but I really just don’t like where I came from and the people that I grew up around. Even with David I could get frustrated, and he’s also doing well for himself. I feel the desire in me to try to get her out of all that and to never go back; but that would be changing her, or trying to influence her, and I want to stay away from that. I would certainly be more attracted to her if she turned off the lights when she left a room or pulled her pants up (as petty as both of those sound), but I’m already so attracted to her. The positives clearly outweigh the negatives. And if we learn anything in this life, it’s that no one is perfect. We will change over time, and either grow closer or apart.

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Wednesday November 14, 2007
9:29 p.m.

1. Monday, while playing basketball, I told Sean and Chris about April wanting to exercise more, and also the stuff about her eventually moving out and getting a better job. I was excited about it, of course, and I think he misunderstood me talking with her about different jobs she could have with bringing that up on my own, of turning her into a project. He asked, ‘wasn’t that what you were trying to avoid?’ Then some comment about ‘what happens if her life really does take off? You might just be the start-up boyfriend.’ Dude, seriously, never say that to a person starting to fall for their girlfriend. It was so matter of fact, and I couldn’t help but here it as a cynical comment. It really threw me off for the rest of the day (which is probably what made my back as bad as it was).
I realize that I feel insecure. I am not doing everything that I can to be a better person, and I’m aware of it. I feel this pressure to be better so that she doesn’t leave me. The pressure is strong, or at least fairly present on my mind. I’m not incredibly worried about her leaving me, but that is definitely a part of it, what fuels the fire of insecurity.
[...]
I do know that I’m falling for her, beginning to care about her. I want her to be in my life, and I want to be in hers. She has started to open up a bit, be more expressive and slightly more forward. My insecurities fly right out the window when I see her or talk to her. It’s hard not to jump ahead, just because of how my mind works. Everything starts with a simple organization, and each thing added follows the same pattern. It’s very simple, yet very strong; same way diamonds are set up. And so it’s not difficult to see ahead to how things will be, because things build upon and fit into this very ordered structure in my mind. It may sound too logical, but it’s actually a very organic process. I like to think that’s how Nature works in general.

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Monday November 12, 2007
1:58 a.m.

1. Just got back from April’s side of town. Visibility was absolute crap due to a thick marine layer; made for some much slower driving in some spots. Lots of great conversation today. This afternoon sitting in her room, talking about childhood’s and the lack thereof. Tonight at the park, when she brought up wanting to exercise more. We’re going to look into a gym membership for the first of the year, and we talked about all sorts of things that we could do together. I could teach her MA, she could teach me volley ball. We could bike, hike, swim. There really is quite a bit to do with one another. Then later on, as we shifted from talking about sex and how her roommates are handling our relationship, we started talking about changes. She asked me what kind of jobs she could get, and we eventually talked about grad schools. I think she hasn’t had the chance to really talk a lot of this stuff through with anyone, or maybe just in a while. But I think she left with lots of thoughts of new possible directions. I’m starting to see that edge and that spark that I so desire.

I can see a future with this girl. Mom and I spoke quite a bit about it on Saturday, about what kind of person April is and what the future would be like with her. I see us falling in love, moving in together, getting each other through grad school, getting married, having kids, the whole thing. It’s a wonderful feeling, one that gets stronger almost every time I see her.

2. Work has been crap the last two weeks, and has left me uninspired, unmotivated and bored. I think going back to school is definitely in order, and am starting to lean to just getting in to any MBA program as a prep for a Ph.D. I probably still have a shot at starting next fall (or maybe winter) if I get my butt in gear and make a decision.

3. That girl in Art class is turning up the heat. It’s flattering.
Talked a bit more with Sam. She is a really cool person. I hope that I get to know her a bit more before the end, and get to keep her as a friend.

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Saturday November 03, 2007
1:01 a.m.

1. Tonight at the Cabo Cantina, there was this absolutely perfect-seeming woman there with her date. Even complexion, long dark brown hair, thin, great breasts, perfect hands. Blue jeans, white shirt that clasped/tied closed in the front, tennis shoes. But aside from the physical stuff, which is exactly what I am most attracted to, she had a spark. There was fire in her eyes, and she was expressive with it. She was cheerful, excitable, adorable, sweet, engaged. I just couldn’t take my eyes off her.

I also couldn’t stop thinking about seeing April tomorrow. She’s this warm, bright comforting presence in my mind. But still very reserved. I want someone that will be that into me, that will smile that shiny fiery smile. It’s very wonderful that April can understand me when I’m being reserved and hesitant, or listen to me talk things through. But I want someone who will also counterbalance that; I’m not sure we have that within us (at least as we are now; as people, not as a couple). Who knows what will happen. I just know that she and I are a lot alike, and that is something that I’ve always wanted.

2. [...]

3. Felt very on-center tonight, especially back at Sean’s house. I feel like I can say whatever I want, and it’s going to be right on the mark, honest, witty/funny if appropriate. I had them all rolling several times tonight. I feel like a man when I am like this, I feel a hardness come out. There is an edge, but the normal form is no less apparent.

4. It’s now 2:30, and I’m probably no where near sleep. I’ve been getting pretty randy on the weekends, starting Fridays. Maybe it’s in anticipation of seeing April. Tomorrow (today) we go to see Tinarawin in Santa Monica.

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Wednesday October 10, 2007
10:37 p.m.

1. Things have moved too quickly with April. She drove here to the apartment last night and didn’t go home until nearly 2:00 a.m.
I think that she’s a lot like me in a lot of ways, and a few years from now she may be like I am now (more assertive, etc.). But right now she’s not, and my expectations were too firmly set a certain way for me not to be disappointed.
I’ve already hashed this stuff out with Chris, so I’m having a tough time putting it to screen.

2. Sean never followed through on my advice to talk to Christina about her coming in late, despite the fact that I told him to twice (and again this morning). He wanted to know if it was something that Kathy should say, in a unit meeting for instance. I told him that no, he really needed to do it. But due to an unrelated issue with Phil, he told Kathy about Christina; and so Kathy mentioned it during today’s unit meeting. It was the first real time that I had to be Sean’s boss and come down on him about something; which I did with no hesitation.

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Monday October 8, 2007
1:22 a.m.
Writing about Sunday

1. Just now got back from my date with April. I met her at 1:15 p.m. at a Starbucks. We stayed there until 4:00 and then had dinner at Appleby’s. After another four hours there, we left and walked around the shopping center. Then went over to the other side and sat at some tables by Rubio’s. Finally around 10:00 we start talking about how the night is going to end, but never really coming right out and saying anything about it. For me this was different than other times. Before, there was always a lot more anxiety about the kiss and if she would want to kiss me back and if that would ruin the friendship. And before it’s also almost always (if not always) been with a friend whom I wanted more with. That wasn’t the case today, and we both agreed that there wasn’t really anything to lose. We set a stop time at midnight, saying that we had to leave then. 10 til, and we’re standing by her car, both obviously wanting to kiss the other. But not long before that, she made a comment that I took to mean that we didn’t have to go fast with this, so that threw me off a little bit. Anyway, a few minutes after midnight, I reached over, put my hand behind her head and pulled her in. We made out for the next half hour, and it was great. It was the first real kiss I’ve had since Kasia on the Fourth of July 2004. April said it was seven years since her last kiss. It was very sweet, and had emotion behind it. There was a bit of passion as well, that I think will really blossom in the future.
She is somewhat overweight, a little chunky around the mid section. She’s much shorter than I expected. And she has huge breasts; fluffy kind, not basketballs. Not necessarily what I would go for, speaking in a strictly physical sense. But we had such great conversation, share so many points of interest and commonality.
We both come from bad childhoods, developed some similar coping mechanisms, have similar
[the rest was lost due to computer freeze]

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Saturday October 6, 2007
10:27 p.m.

1. Spoke to April today for the first time. She has a very nice voice and a sweet personality. Actually, she reminded me a lot of Nicole in her demeanor. We’re meeting at a Starbucks tomorrow afternoon on her side of town. I’m excited.

Called and left a message for Claire, but haven’t heard from her yet. She sent me a message the other day, which finally prompted the call I’d been meaning to make for weeks.

Had a great conversation with Jodie the Monday night riding home on the bus. Her roommate is moving out due to an allergic reaction to Jodie’s new dog. We constructed this whole elaborate thing about me moving out as soon as I got home, selling all my stuff and hoping a flight that night. We’d share the big room (bunk beds), use the small room for an office, have threesomes and that sort of thing (since we’d already be sharing the room). It was just good fun conversation. I wish that I was more (physically and emotionally) attracted to her, because we’ve got such a good friendship; we seem pretty compatible in a lot of ways.

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Sunday September 30, 2007
8:57 p.m.

1. I always get this strange feeling listening to the Shins. I usually get to wondering about life and interacting with people. I imagine James Mercer in these different situations that he writes and sings about. It stirs up the emotions and experiences from teenage years, of meeting Kate at the football game and sitting at the beach with Nicole and our first kiss.
It reminds me again that life, for me, is in the experience of interacting with other people. And not just the same four people over and over again, in the same predictable situations and conversations. And new conversations with these same people won’t cut it either. This renews my desire to get out there and meet new people. Not for romance or sex or love, but just to feel life swirling around me again.

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Wednesday September 26, 2007
11:05 p.m.

1. Mom’s not doing well. The Xeloda didn’t help at all; she’s got swelling/growths under her right armpit; the cancer is back in force again. She’s meeting with her heart doctor tomorrow to see if her heart is strong enough for the treatment, and it very well may not be. If it is, she’ll get a port put in, which is basically a permanent whole in her chest. It will require maintenance and cleaning, and there of course is risk of infection and other complications. She’ll have to go back to the intravenous chemo, hence the port.
That being said, she’s excited about Israel and bummed about China (though I know she hasn’t given up on the idea yet). I guess I’m not going to be worried about any of this until the terminus is much nearer. When all other treatment has been exhausted, and we’re simply just waiting for the end to arrive within a few months time, then I think this stuff will hit me harder. I just can’t get worked up about this. I’m too Taoist for death to bother me, I guess. That and I can’t devote the energy to grieving before she’s dead.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about priorities and life goals and other things of that nature. I feel like I should make a list of things to do before I die and start experiencing them.

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Monday September 24, 2007
11:11 p.m.

1. Cleaned up a bit tonight, went through all that stacked-up mail. I’ve got bills! I have no idea how I got so far into the money that I had saved up. Granted I’ve got $500 or so coming to me, but it still worries me that it got away from me. So now I’m on penny-watch until I get back into my comfort zone. Not sure how well that’s going to go if this dating thing takes off.

2. Got messages from both Cheri and April last week. I’m going to see April this weekend, probably Sunday (since Saturday may be a party). Haven’t gotten a reply from Evelyn and haven’t heard from Leslie.

3. Speaking of people named Leslie, I haven’t talked to her nor seen her since Andria’s trip in April. I haven’t spoken to Andria since May. It feels weird. That whole part of my life is growing more and more distant. Except for Jodie, I’m not in any sort of regular contact with any of them. I keep telling myself that I’ll call Issa, but I never do.

4. I just got ‘A Complete Guide to American Kenpo’ tonight. I thought it was the original that Mr. Parker put together, the one that Sifou made copies from. Turns out to just be someone else’s compendium, printed brand new. This is not at all what I was looking for. I’m also appalled that they’re charging $45 for what cost them maybe $2 in supplies.
And I’m pissed off that the internet connection is so crappy. Why are we paying all the extra money for a less reliable connection? Arrgghhh! $100 for T-Mobile, $220 for the phone and the $175 early termination fee from Verizon.